One of the things that
happens when you read the Bible on a regular basis, like I am required to do,
is that even familiar passages are always speaking to you in new ways. It
happened again a couple of years ago when I read today’s text from the gospel of Matthew that I had read many times. It is the story after the resurrection
and right before Jesus' ascension into heaven. That was the first time I clearly
noticed the words, “When the eleven remaining disciples
saw Jesus after his resurrection, they worshiped even as they doubted.”
“They worshiped Jesus even
when they doubted?” That’s pretty much the opposite of what we do.
When we doubt, we quit worshiping. We assume that worshiping is only for
believers. People, in our experience, who doubt quit worshiping! So why would
these disciples worship Jesus, if they had doubts about Him? Why would the
writer even include their doubts in the story?
The first thing many
people assume about faith is that doubt is the opposite of faith. Not true!
Honest doubt is not the opposite of faith. There is faith even in honest
doubt. Honest doubt is actually an integral part of faith. When
Matthew tells us that the disciples “worshipped even when they doubted,” he
wants us to know this basic principle: honest doubt was part of the faith, even
for those who were closest to Jesus.
The stories that we have
been reading since Easter are a mixture of faith and doubt. The disciples are
presented as very skeptical about Mary Magdalen’s report about seeing Jesus
alive on that first Easter Sunday. Thomas, flat-out refused to believe until he
saw Jesus with his own eyes and touched Jesus with his own hands. On
the road to Emmaus, other disciples were astounded by the report of Jesus being
seen alive and did not recognize him walking right beside them on the road.
Even after many reports, even after having seen him themselves, they worshipped,
even as they doubted. Yes, the message is simple: faith is never black and
white, all or nothing, but always mixed with a good measure of healthy
doubt. Doubt does not necessarily mean you don’t have
faith. Doubt probably means that you do have faith!
“They worshiped, even as
they doubted.” The bigger question than whether doubt is part of
faith, is what do you do when you doubt. Many, when they
doubt, think they should absent themselves from prayer and worship until faith
returns or becomes strong again. They say to themselves, “It is hypocritical
for me to pretend to believe when I really don’t believe. When I start
believing again, when my faith is strong again, then it will make sense for me
to start praying and worshipping again.” That may sound good, even reasonable,
but that’s not how it works! The story of the doubting St. Thomas has a lot to
teach us. Thomas says in today's gospel, “Unless I see the mark of the
nails in his hands and put my finger into the nail marks and put my
hand into his side, I will not believe.” Even in his
doubt, Thomas did was pretty much the opposite of what we do when we have
doubts. He kept going back to the community. When we doubt, we quit joining the
community. We assume that joining the faith community is only for those who
believe, for those without doubt. People, in our experience, who doubt quit
joining the worshiping community! Not St. Thomas! He kept joining them, even
when he doubted, until he believed!
As the doubting disciples
teach us today, what really works is for us to worship even when
we doubt, to worship until we believe. Like a coal,
pulled away from a heap of burning coals, that soon loses its heat, a doubter
separated from the community of believers soon loses even more of his faith. A
faith community strengthens faith and a doubting community strengthens doubt.
“They worshipped, even as
they doubted.” This may be yet another version of the great truth:
“fake it till you make it.” Even though Alcoholics Anonymous made that idea
famous, it actually goes back to the ancient Roman poet, Ovid who said, “Pretend
to what is not, and then you’ll become in truth, what you are pretending to
be.” The great philosopher William James put it this way, “Act as if
and the mind will produce your desire.” The idea is, if you take something that
feels impossible, or at least completely unnatural, and pretend that it is the
easiest, most natural things on the world for you to be doing, eventually, it
will become as easy as you have been pretending it to be!
I practice this often in
my own life. (1) As many of you know from me talking about my history, I grew
up pretty much crippled by bashfulness. Bashful people find it painful to be in
public situations. To cope, they are driven to avoid public situations as much
as possible. This is a sure way to keep bashfulness going. The solution is to
get out in public as much as possible, faking confidence, until one day you
wake up and find out that you are no longer bashful. The only way
out of the fear of public speaking is to “fake it till you make it,” to do
public speaking until you are no longer afraid to speak in front of
crowds. You cannot think your way out of
bashfulness, you have to act your way out of bashfulness. (2)
When I was sent against my will to southeastern Kentucky as a newly ordained
priest, somehow, I was able to open my mind to “faking it till I made it.” I
decided, since I did not get what I wanted, I would act as if I
wanted what I got until I was able to really want what I got.
It worked. Those ten years were wonderful years in many, many ways. I “acted as
if” it was a great assignment until it actually became a great
assignment.
"They worshiped, even
as they doubted.” My friends, all of us have a good measure of
doubt, even as we believe. The secret to making sure that the scales do not tip
too far to the doubt side, is to keep joining the community like St. Thomas, to
act as if we believe until we believe, to pray our way out of doubt, to worship
until we “feel like worshiping.” So, when you are tempted to drop out because
“I don’t get anything out of it” or “I’m not into it today,” that is when you
really need to get into it! That is when you really need to act as if you are
getting something out of it until you do get something out of it! Yes,
even believers sometimes have to “fake it till they make it.”
