I don’t think I am mentally
ill yet, but for most of my life I have not felt “good enough.” I fell a lot
better about it now, but as a child, I was told I was “too skinny,” my ears were “too
big.” I was told regularly that I would
“never amount to a hill of beans.” When I came up here to Louisville to go to
high school seminary, I was told by my city-born classmates that I was “too
country.” As I have mentioned several times before, even the rector of the
minor seminary called me a “hopeless case.” These kinds of things cut deeply as a
child and usually stay with you throughout your life especially when you were a
bashful kid to begin with.
In the seminary, they are
always talking about the “ideal” seminarian and “ideal” priest. The saints are
held up to us as models, in a sort of “why can’t you be more like them” kind of
way. We were regularly quoted the Scripture passage: “Be perfect, even as your
heavenly Father is perfect.” We were constantly examining our consciences and
being monitored for less-than-perfect behavior. As a seminarian, all this always
left me feeling not quite “holy enough” and not quite “good enough.”
I have made some
progress, especially in the last half of my life, but even as a priest, even
today, I often find myself not feeling “good enough.” It is not uncommon for me
to catch myself lecturing myself: “you ought to be more religious, you ought to
be more patient, you ought to know more, you ought to be thinner, you ought to
exercise more, you ought to pray more,” on and on and on and on!
I used to think I was
just one of a few people who struggled with feelings of worth, but I have
learned that there are many of us, more than I ever imagined.
Like I used to do, I have learned that most people suffer in silence, holding
it in and trying to hide it. I tell my story, not to get sympathy or pity, but
to help others. I found out that, when I broke the silence and talked about my
feelings of not feeling good enough, it actually helped others. In fact, every
time I talk about it, it seems that someone is helped.
Oddly enough, it was not
formal counseling that helped me break through that crippling negative
self-image, but especially from studying the radically simple message of the
parables that Jesus told. One day, as if scales fell from my eyes, I began to
“get” what Jesus was talking about.
“You are created in the
image and likeness of God.” “It was not you who chose me, it is I who chose
you.” “This man welcomes sinners and even eats with them.” “The good and the
bad, alike, are welcomed to the weddings feast.” “God loves the lost sheep and
the prodigal son.” “Everybody receives a full day’s pay.” “God chooses the weak
and makes them strong in bearing witness to him.”
Nothing brings my point
home better than the call of the first apostles. Today we hear about four, but
as you scan down list of all of Jesus’ recruits, you will surely see a motley
crew: a liar, a traitor, an agnostic, two middle eastern terrorists and a
couple of “mama babies,” to name a few.
Sounds pretty much like your average ordination class in most dioceses!
Fellow disciples! Fellow
Catholics! The calling of the apostles should give us all hope. “God chooses
the weak and makes them strong in bearing witness to him.” They were not saints to begin with, far from
it, but God chose them, they responded in faith and he gradually turned them
into saints. When Isaiah was called, he tried to beg off. He told God that he
had a foul mouth, a mouth not good enough to speak God’s word. No problem! God
sent an angel down with a hot coal to clean out his mouth. Jeremiah tries to
beg off saying that he wasn’t good enough. He told God he was too young and had
no public speaking ability. That didn’t stop God from picking him anyway!
The same can be true for
us. No matter how badly we may feel about ourselves, no matter how badly others
may think of us, when God calls us to do something, and we are open to him, he
can give us all we need to do the job, whether it is to parent, teach, build a
successful marriage, start a career, whatever, it is. The secret is to “let God
get a hold of you” and “transform you” into what he wants you to be.
Even though I know that
the validity of Jesus’ message does not depend on the goodness of his
messengers, there are many days where I do not feel good enough to do what I
do. I have always taken great comfort in the words of St. Francis of Assisi,
“If God can work through me, God can work through anyone.”
