Tuesday, March 8, 2016

Country Humor

Be Careful What You Pray For! 
I think every priest ought to spend some time in a country parish. They might learn something. I remember my three and a half years at Holy Name of Mary Parish in Calvary, Kentucky 1980-1983. I wouldn't trade it for anything! I have so many great memories that still make me laugh out loud when they cross my mind. Here is one of my very favorites.

One day, as I was standing in front of the church talking to the guys (something they like to arrive early for), one of them announced that I should say some special prayers for rain. Before I could agree to do it, another one interrupted him. I am pretty sure it was a Bradshaw! "Just hold on now! Remember the last time we called for special prayers for rain? We lit one of those thirty-day candles and started pray'. Well, it commenced rain' so much that we had to go in there and blow it out after two weeks!"

An old Farmer’s Words of Wisdom we could all live by.
The last quote fits everyone…I don’t care who you are.
wise old farmerYour fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.
Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.
Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.
Words that soak into your ears are whispered!….not yelled.
Meanness don’t just happen overnight.
Forgive your enemies; it messes up their heads.
Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.
It don’t take a very big person to carry a grudge.
You cannot unsay a cruel word.
Every path has a few puddles.
When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
The best sermons are lived, not preached.
Most of the stuff people worry about, ain’t never gonna happen anyway.
Don’t judge folks by their relatives.
Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
Live a good and honorable life,
then when you get older and think back,
you’ll enjoy it a second time.
Don’t interfere with somethin’ that ain’t bothering you none.
Timin’ has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
If you find yourself in a hole,
the first thing to do is stop diggin’.
Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.
The biggest troublemaker you’ll probably ever have to deal with,
watches you from the mirror every mornin’.
Always drink upstream from the herd.
Good judgment comes from experience,
and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.
Lettin’ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier
than puttin’ it back in.
If you get to thinkin’ you’re a person of some influence,
try orderin’ somebody else’s dog around.
Live simply, love generously, care deeply,
Speak kindly, and leave the rest to God.
Don’t pick a fight with an old man.
If he is too old to fight, he’ll just kill you.

Here's another story from my Calvary, Kentucky, days. One of my farmer-parishioners was testifying at the capitol in Frankfort about some farm issue. About the time he was wrapping it up, these priceless words of hometown pride came out of his mouth. "I feel sorry for anybody who wasn't born in Calvary!" I always thought it would make a good tee shirt to raise money for the parish. I am sure everybody would have bought at least one!
The last story comes from "The Lost Tales" of Dr. Burke Casper, a country doctor, who served the people of my beloved Meade County. He actually took out my tonsils in his clinic in Brandenburg in 1952. 
Dr. Casper visited an old woman in her farm home one day. She was hard of hearing. After examining her abdomen and finding nothing wrong, he prepared to leave the house. From the next room, he overheard her tell her daughter, "It was nice of that minister to stop by!" Her daughter told her, "That wasn't a minister! That was a doctor!" The old woman responded, "Well, I thought he was acting a bit familiar for a minister!"

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