OH, NO! HERE IT COMES! I JUST KNOW IT'S GOING TO BE BAD!

Fear is useless; what is needed is trust.

Luke 8:50  

There are several commercials for Saint Jude Children's Research Hospital that touch the heart, but there is one that stands out for me. It's the one when a little girl looks at the camera and says, "The worst part of cancer is knowing you have it!" I interpret that as meaning that once you know you have cancer, you don't know what's coming the next day, then the next and then the next. The mental stress of not knowing what's next is often worse than the physical pain one has to endure during the treatment.  

It has been occurring to me recently that that is the worst part of aging as well. There is nothing that I know of that is terribly wrong right now, but my mind when it decides to have a "mind of its own," has a tendency to race ahead and start worrying about "what if?" I guess it is my perennial "control freak" habit rearing it's ugly head yet again - a life-script that if I know what's coming, I will be able to do something about it! 

Like Flannery O'Conner said, "I write because I don't know what I think until I read what I say." Today, I am taking the risk of writing about my growing tendency to think too far ahead when it comes to health issues! I am writing about it so that I can understand what I am thinking about it and maybe why I am thinking about it. I realize that my writing about it may, or may not, help other aging people, but I have decided that writing about it will help me. I also realize that publishing it for the whole world to see could be giving ammunition to those who already think that I am somewhat of a "nut case!" 

What has exacerbated this problem of worrying ahead of time is the fact that I found out recently that I have a kidney stone. I can not feel it as yet, thank God! So far, so good, but like the little girl said, "The worst part is knowing you have one!"  I never used to ever think about kidneys, but now every little twitch in my back makes me think that I could be in the throes of a case of what many have described as "worse than labor pains" at any moment! 

I take little comfort in the fact that most of the time my mildly obsessive worry, when it comes to health issues, never usually amounts to anything! That means that my worrying was the problem, not the thing I was worried about! It was usually a case of "crossing a bridge before I got to it!" I know that there will probably be more of these opportunities to obsess about as I advance in age, unless I die suddenly, so I am trying not to get into the habit of worrying about possible issues until those issues become realities. I'll have to work at it! 

I can't quit worrying altogether about getting COVID, even though that worrying has subsided a great deal since I received all three COVID shots. Even at that, I realize that COVID is still possible. A phone call last week from a friend of mine and his wife, both COVID positive in separate out-of-state hospitals, who are clinging to life and who barely have the strength to talk, has certainly raised my stress and worry level once again. Along with that, one of my siblings is scheduled to have surgery soon to remove a cancer. Everyday seems to bring more reports of "health situations" in my larger family and circle of friends. 

Here is a old prayer that I keep turning to as I grow older. I want to believe, I am trying to believe, that whatever happens, I will be able to deal with it! Truly, "Fear is useless; what is needed is trust!" 

It would be a shame to let the bad that might happen tomorrow ruin the good that is happening today!