A Sunday or two ago, I woke up, fixed myself a cup of coffee and looked out the window. It all "looked" so normal, but it wasn't! I thought about all the things I used to do, all the things I could do, but couldn't do that day because I was forced by circumstances to "shelter in place," a euphemism for "being a prisoner in my own home." As much as I would have liked for all of this to go away, I knew I was totally and completely powerless to do anything about it.
Like most people these days, I have had a lot of time to think during this epidemic. One of the things that has been on my mind most consistently are my feelings of powerlessness.
Ever since I left home back in 1965, I have tried to be self-reliant, self-sufficient and "in charge" of my own life and its direction. Never, since 1965, have I felt as powerless over the direction of my life as I do these days. I feel if I do exercise my freedom of movement right now, it could actually kill me.
Because of this pandemic, I cannot move about freely even though I have a car right outside the door, enough money to eat at any restaurant, shop in any store and plenty of friends in various places to go visit. Instead, here I am "locked down!"
Because of this pandemic, I am powerless to make plans. That's hard for me because I have always loved "making plans." I will most probably have to cancel the celebrations I have been planning for my fiftieth ordination anniversary. I cannot say for sure when I will be able to return to the Caribbean missions. Vacation trips are unthinkable. The presentations I have been asked to give elsewhere have been cancelled. I have enough frequent flyer miles now on American Airlines to go about anywhere in the world, but I am powerless to make plans to use any of them. It seems my life is now "on hold until further notice."
Because of this pandemic, I even feel powerless as a priest. I have been a priest for fifty years, but now I feel more useless and unneeded than ever. Masses have been cancelled. Hospital visits have been curtailed. Nursing home visits are prohibited. Funerals, baptisms and weddings are cancelled, on hold or delayed indefinitely. Instead of face to face ministry, it is now almost totally electronic.
Because of this pandemic, the powerlessness I am feeling must be somewhat similar to the powerlessness that an elderly person feels when their drivers license is taken away and when they are committed to a nursing home against their will. Yes, it might be safer for them not to drive. Yes, it might even be a "nice" nursing home, but for them it is the beginning of an avalanche of "powerless" feelings: what time they go to bed, what time they get up, what they choose to eat, whether they want to take medicine, when they take a bath and even who gives them a bath! They surely feel, in many ways, that they are truly "victims of circumstance." It doesn't help when they have to listen to politicians who are beginning to insinuate that, when it comes right down to it, the elderly are "replaceable, unnecessary, irrelevant, expensive and wasting precious resources."
Because of this pandemic, it occurred to me that all this social chaos is merely a practice run for where I am headed in the years to come as I let go of my freedoms and learn to accept powerlessness. That, my friends, scares me more than this pandemic! Maybe if I can handle this, I can handle that? I hope so, because it appears that, if I live through this pandemic, I may have no other choice!
Last of all, as powerless as I feel, I try to remind myself over and over again, "Ron! No whining! You are still alive! You seem to be free of "underlying health issues" and you are right now safer than most health care workers! The least you can do is to resist whining about "inconveniences!" Remember the exhausted health care workers, the terminally ill and people living with families on the margins of poverty! So far, you are alive! You are not in some hospital hooked up to a respirator so get a grip and don't even think about feeling sorry for yourself!"
Thank you!
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