Jesus
said to his disciples: “This is my commandment” love one
another
as I love you. No one has greater love than this, to lay
down
one’s life for one’s friends.
John
15: 12-16
Friends, let
me begin with an obvious disclaimer. I am not married, nor have I ever been. I
may not know all the ins and outs of married life, but I do have fifty years of
experience in keeping a similar sacramental commitment to God and his people,
“for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, until
death.” Allow me, then, to share what I know with you who have a
similar commitment to God. to each other and, yes, to the whole
community. Marriage is not just a private, personal
event. It affects the whole community. It has a public dimension or else you
wouldn’t need a license from the state.
The first thing I know,
after fifty years of experience, is this: it is much easier to make such
a commitment than it is to keep a commitment. I remember an
old television commercial I saw many years ago. I don’t even remember what they
are advertising, but it shows a pathetic couple being married in one of those
hideously tacky Las Vegas wedding chapels while two old ladies look on. The old
ladies both oooh and aaah before looking at
each other and saying, “They don’t have a clue!” I will leave the ooohs and aaahs to
others, but I want to share some truth with you!
Thinking back to May 16, 1970, the day I was ordained in front of
packed Cathedral of witnesses, I did not have a clue about what I was getting
in to really! All I had was a faith that what God had called me to, he would
help me remain faithful to!
The second thing I know,
after fifty years of being a priest and witnessing marriages, is
this: ordinations and weddings are not magic where the bishop lays
hands on a young man or a priest waves his hands over a young couple and they
automatically live “happily ever after.” Like fragile plants in a
scorching sun and water-deprived soil, both priesthood and marriage take
constant attention and focused care. Half of my ordination
class are no longer priests and over half of all marriages do
not last. I am convinced that failed priesthoods and failed marriages are
seldom done in by external forces, they simply starve to
death! They are not killed by some evil outside force. They starve to death
from a lack of personal care and focused attention!
Back in 1970, on my
ordination day, I remember committing myself to being a priest, but I also
remember clearly committing myself to trying my best to remain a
priest by not leaving it to chance. I made a promise to myself that
I would nurture my commitment with a fierce intensity. I decided that, if I
were going to be a priest, I would try my level best to be a happy and
effective priest! I followed my up and down, back and forth, progress by
journaling. I now have about eighteen volumes. I am still a priest by God’s
grace, but I am certain that even God’s grace needed to be responded to!
The third thing I know,
after fifty years of being a priest and witnessing marriages, is this: our two
worst enemies are entropy and acedia – strange
words that we need to become familiar with if we hope to keep such commitments
long-term!
Entropy is that natural, spontaneous and unremitting
process of decline, decay and disorder unless there is an opposing force
working against it.
Anyone who owns a
home knows that it will fall into ruin pretty quickly without regular
maintenance and constant upkeep. One of the hardest points to get
across in marriage preparation programs is the point that just because you are
"in love" today and promise to "be true to you in good times and
bad," does not mean your marriage will survive without constant care and
maintenance. Most marriages that fall apart, fall apart because of neglect.
Gardens need weeding! Friendships needs cultivating! Professionals need
continuing education! Even our faith, unattended, is subject to withering on
the vine! A huge percent of the people who tell me they no longer believe,
will also tell you they did next to nothing to nourish that faith! Entropy is
that natural, spontaneous and unremitting process of decline, decay and
disorder unless there is an opposing force working against it.
Acedia is the word used by fourth century monks for our other commitment enemy. Acedia is not a
disease, it’s a temptation – a temptation to disconnect, to stop caring, to
stop making an effort. It is a temptation that can grow and harden into a
persistent attitude of apathy and cynicism which is deadly to any kind of
personal or spiritual growth.
I find it fascinating
that acedia, in its root meaning, means negligence -
a negligence that leads to a state of listlessness, a lack of attention to
daily tasks and an overall dissatisfaction with life, of not caring or not
being concerned with one’s position or condition in the world. The sooner it is
confronted, the more success one has in that confrontation.
We all know priests,
married couples and parents who woke up one day and found themselves in
precisely this spot – with feelings of being stuck with few options and little
hope. Maybe we are even one of them! If we were to be honest with ourselves, we
would have to admit that we didn’t get there overnight. It happened because of
extended neglect. We didn’t take the time to nourish ourselves from the inside
out. We didn’t stop to “fan into flame” the gift that God gave us - no matter
whether we are a parent, partner or priest!
Friends, my
advice to anyone about to make a permanent commitment is
two-fold. Be aware of entropy - that natural
tendency in the universe toward decay and decline unless there is another force
working against it. Like you would a new car or a new house, do the necessary
regular maintenance on this marriage to “keep it up.” Resist
the temptation of acedia – the temptation to quit giving a
damn that is the result of negligence that could finally lead to
ruin.
Finally, it has been
statistically proven that if you keep God in your marriage, you will have a
better chance of success. That daily generous free help from God is
called grace. It’s there and it’s free, but you have to
respond to it, you have to do your part! I know one thing for sure, I have survived
fifty years of priesthood, not because I was lucky, but because of God’s grace
and my focused attention to personal and vocational maintenance! I hope you
will make every effort to do the same! Long-term happiness is available to you,
but it is not about luck and it is not an accident! It requires a wholehearted
openness to God’s grace, that free help that he offers you every day.
If you want to live
“happily ever after,” doing your homework will certainly help!
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