This is the tenth in a series of periodic reflections on the "ordinary things" that many people do on a regular basis without much thought. During this pandemic, I am developing a need to "rage, rage" against hast and laziness and replace it with care and attention. My hope is to become personally more intentional about doing ordinary things with care and focused attention, while inspiring others to maybe do the same.
AN IDENTITY CRISIS
Recently, I had dinner with a friend who I had not seen for a while. We used to meet regularly - maybe every five or six weeks - but because of the pandemic and "social distancing," it was our first time in ten or twelve weeks.
We don't usually talk about work or sports or entertainment, but oddly enough we talk about our personal growth or lack of it. It's sort of two-person introvert support group.
Since we had not met for a while, I came prepared. To "prime the pump" on the discussion, I asked him two questions about how he was handling the pandemic. I asked him (1) what have you been most scared of personally and (2) what have you been most scared of professionally.
I won't share what his answers were, but I can share mine. (1) I told him that I was most afraid of getting sick myself. (2) I told him that I was most afraid of losing my identity.
FEAR OF GETTING SICK I try to be careful and follow the CDC guidelines, but I don't obsess about contracting the virus. However, I am very much aware that I am in the high risk age group. While I am pretty healthy for my age, at 76 anything could go wrong, at about anytime, without much notice. Because of all that, I catch myself wondering how I would handle hospitalization, if it came to that, especially if I had to be put on a respirator. I wonder whether I would even allow it if I were in a state where I could make that decision. I know I would ask some very serious questions.
FEAR OF LOSING MY IDENTITY More than a fear of getting sick, I have found myself going through a mild "identity crisis." An "identity crisis" is a period of uncertainty and confusion in which a person's sense of identity becomes insecure, typically due to a change in their expected aims or role in society.
Yes, I have been "retired" for five years, but I have stayed busy doing quite a few of the things I love to do. I don't have a position or a title, but I have had "my work" and plenty of it. I was flying here and there, to Canada and around the United States mostly, doing priest retreats, convocations and parish missions. I was volunteering in the Caribbean missions and managing my new Catholic Second Wind Guild that supports it. I was helping out at the Cathedral downtown and the Little Sisters of the Poor nursing home down the street. Things were going so well!
Because of this damnable pandemic, all that has basically come to a screeching halt! Maybe some of it will come back, but about the only thing left right now is this blog and a couple of graveside funerals, for which I am very grateful! I cannot fly to other dioceses to do presentations to priests. I can't fly down to Saint Vincent and the Grenadines, taking volunteers with me, to meet with the people I have gotten to know and to work on our projects. I am not allowed to go into nursing homes. Masses at the Cathedral were cancelled. Even now, with a reduced schedule, I am not all that needed for a while.
I wake up these days feeling very aware that I have entered a period of uncertainty and confusion in which my sense of identity has become insecure, due to these unwanted changes in my planned schedules and the scaling down of my role in the church. I keep remembering what one of my nieces said to me the day after her husband died. "I knew who I was yesterday. Today, I don't know who I am!" These days, I am a workaholic with little to do. I am a priest without a ministry. Maybe this is what happens to parents when they experience the "empty nest" syndrome?
I know I like to be in control of things, especially those things that affect me directly. I like to be responsible for my own happiness and do those things that bring me, and those around me, happiness. I like the freedom to choose what I do, when I do it and where I want to do it. I have worked very hard to get to this point in my life. Lately, I feel that I am slowly losing the identity I have worked so hard to build because so much is now out of my control.
Maybe that's what's really bothering me! Maybe this pandemic is exposing the truth that there are more and more things not in my control. Maybe what I am learning during all this is how to "let go" of situations that I can't control and how to live constructively without that control. I have learned from the many seniors that I have known and loved over the years that "letting go" is a huge part of aging.
In the first part of our lives, it was all about learning how to take control of the situations we found ourselves in. Maybe the last part of our lives is about learning to let go of control of the situations we find ourselves in? So far, I don't like it, but maybe I can learn? Maybe I will have to learn!
We don't usually talk about work or sports or entertainment, but oddly enough we talk about our personal growth or lack of it. It's sort of two-person introvert support group.
Since we had not met for a while, I came prepared. To "prime the pump" on the discussion, I asked him two questions about how he was handling the pandemic. I asked him (1) what have you been most scared of personally and (2) what have you been most scared of professionally.
I won't share what his answers were, but I can share mine. (1) I told him that I was most afraid of getting sick myself. (2) I told him that I was most afraid of losing my identity.
FEAR OF GETTING SICK I try to be careful and follow the CDC guidelines, but I don't obsess about contracting the virus. However, I am very much aware that I am in the high risk age group. While I am pretty healthy for my age, at 76 anything could go wrong, at about anytime, without much notice. Because of all that, I catch myself wondering how I would handle hospitalization, if it came to that, especially if I had to be put on a respirator. I wonder whether I would even allow it if I were in a state where I could make that decision. I know I would ask some very serious questions.
FEAR OF LOSING MY IDENTITY More than a fear of getting sick, I have found myself going through a mild "identity crisis." An "identity crisis" is a period of uncertainty and confusion in which a person's sense of identity becomes insecure, typically due to a change in their expected aims or role in society.
Yes, I have been "retired" for five years, but I have stayed busy doing quite a few of the things I love to do. I don't have a position or a title, but I have had "my work" and plenty of it. I was flying here and there, to Canada and around the United States mostly, doing priest retreats, convocations and parish missions. I was volunteering in the Caribbean missions and managing my new Catholic Second Wind Guild that supports it. I was helping out at the Cathedral downtown and the Little Sisters of the Poor nursing home down the street. Things were going so well!
Because of this damnable pandemic, all that has basically come to a screeching halt! Maybe some of it will come back, but about the only thing left right now is this blog and a couple of graveside funerals, for which I am very grateful! I cannot fly to other dioceses to do presentations to priests. I can't fly down to Saint Vincent and the Grenadines, taking volunteers with me, to meet with the people I have gotten to know and to work on our projects. I am not allowed to go into nursing homes. Masses at the Cathedral were cancelled. Even now, with a reduced schedule, I am not all that needed for a while.
I wake up these days feeling very aware that I have entered a period of uncertainty and confusion in which my sense of identity has become insecure, due to these unwanted changes in my planned schedules and the scaling down of my role in the church. I keep remembering what one of my nieces said to me the day after her husband died. "I knew who I was yesterday. Today, I don't know who I am!" These days, I am a workaholic with little to do. I am a priest without a ministry. Maybe this is what happens to parents when they experience the "empty nest" syndrome?
I know I like to be in control of things, especially those things that affect me directly. I like to be responsible for my own happiness and do those things that bring me, and those around me, happiness. I like the freedom to choose what I do, when I do it and where I want to do it. I have worked very hard to get to this point in my life. Lately, I feel that I am slowly losing the identity I have worked so hard to build because so much is now out of my control.
Maybe that's what's really bothering me! Maybe this pandemic is exposing the truth that there are more and more things not in my control. Maybe what I am learning during all this is how to "let go" of situations that I can't control and how to live constructively without that control. I have learned from the many seniors that I have known and loved over the years that "letting go" is a huge part of aging.
In the first part of our lives, it was all about learning how to take control of the situations we found ourselves in. Maybe the last part of our lives is about learning to let go of control of the situations we find ourselves in? So far, I don't like it, but maybe I can learn? Maybe I will have to learn!
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