CONFRONTING THE TEMPTATION TO CUT BACK AND DISENGAGE

 

One of the mental battles that comes with aging is when to quit and when to keep going. Faced with the beginnings of a decline of both body and mind, aging people are faced with the truth of "entropy." "Entropy" is that natural, spontaneous and unremitting process of decline, decay and disorder unless there is an opposing force working against it.

One of my biggest fears as a priest is not natural death, but spiritual and emotional death, being here and being not here at the same time – gradually becoming “disengaged,” if you will! My biggest fear is turning into a priest who starts giving up before his time.

I decided this Holy Week to do one of my little in-home retreats and reflect a bit on this dilemma in the hopes that it might help me, and maybe others, to confront the temptation to cut back and disengage. "Dilemma" means "two horns." On one "horn" I am headed toward 80, while on the other "horn" I have been declared "quite healthy for my age." The question for me then is, "Just because I will soon be 80, do I have to start acting like I am 80?" Some people who are in their 80s are leading countries and huge organizations (President Biden and Pope Francis) while others are in nursing homes. I know some priests not yet in their 50s who are a mess physically. So far, I am lucky enough to have no joint problems, no high blood pressure and no heart disease.

However, mostly because of not liking to be so terribly inconvenienced, I find myself not wanting to travel any more because it is just "too much trouble." Second, tired of the worry and strain that comes with it, I have declared publicly that I do not want to ever take on another "building project." Third, partly because of subtle changing eye conditions, I don't like to drive at night and sometimes even try to avoid it during the day. As I approach 80, I am scared that the list of "what I don't want to do any more" might be growing and I do not like the thought that I might start adding to that list.

The word used by fourth century monks for this state was acedia. Acedia is not a disease, it’s a temptation – the temptation to disconnect, the temptation to stop caring, the temptation to stop making an effort. It is a temptation that can grow and harden into a persistent attitude of apathy and cynicism which is deadly to any kind of personal or spiritual growth. I find it fascinating that acedia, in its root, means negligence - a negligence that leads to a state of listlessness, a lack of attention to daily tasks and an overall dissatisfaction with life, of not caring or not being concerned with one’s self-care, with one's position in life or even the condition of the world and the Church. In other words, unlike clinical depression, it can be resisted. The sooner it is confronted the more success one has in turning it around.

We all know priests and married couples who woke up one day and found themselves in precisely that spot – with feelings of being stuck, with few options and little hope. Maybe we are, or have been, one of them! If we were to be honest with ourselves we would have to admit that we didn’t get there overnight. It happened because of extended neglect. We didn’t take the time to challenge our individual selves. Many marriages and religious vocations do not die of "natural causes." Too often, they simply die of "starvation!" We just “let things go!” I fear "giving into" such temptations for extended neglect. I want, and know I need, to nurture those opposing forces that work against the temptations toward neglect. As Bob Dylan used to sing, "If you're not busy being born, you're busy dying!"

No, I do not want to "settle for too little" simply because I have let myself become lazy in my old age. I do not want to give into "exertion aversion." My doctor tells me there are a few things I can do to head off some physical disintegration (daily exercise, a good diet and semi-annual physicals) but I still believe there are lot of things I can do mentally to maintain what Pope John Paul II called "keeping up one's youthfulness of spirit, which is something that cannot be imposed from without." 

I know for a fact that the most important thing that I can do mentally is to keep saying "yes" to new opportunities to grow and change and to stand-up to any "exertion aversion."  Over the years, I have learned that spiritual and emotional suicide is the result of constantly saying "no" to those opportunities to grow and change. Going forward, I know that the solution to the dilemma that I now face involves this truth, “No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.”