I would describe myself,
in my early years, as an “anxious” person. To be “anxious” is to be “uneasy and
apprehensive about something uncertain” or to be “worried.” It’s all
about that awful thing that might happen next. Those of
you who have lived with spouse abuse or lived with a raging alcoholic or drug
addicted person know what I mean. Living in anxiety is a lot like living with a
ticking time-bomb strapped to your leg – only day and night every day. It is
living in dread, living on “pins and needles,” “waiting for the other shoe to
drop,” waiting to “hit bottom” after falling. It is no way to live and only
those who have been there understand what I am talking about.
As a small child, anxiety
was a simple passing experience – the terror of hiding under covers,
wide-awake, after your older sister had told convincing ghost stories or during
the height of a crashing, booming rainstorm.
As an older child, living in
a house with a person who had a propensity for fits of anger and rage that came
from nowhere, our home was an emotional mine field, loaded with unseen
triggers. You never knew if your next step would set off an explosion of
curse-filled name-calling – and worst of all, knowing that there was absolutely
nothing you could do to prevent it. There was nowhere to run and nowhere to
hide from it. You had to stand and take it only to have it return again without
warning.
As a young man still in
school, anxiety was about the fear of failure, fear of not being good enough,
fear of rejection, fear of being laughed at and bullied, fear of not having
enough to live on and the fear that “this” was going to be “as good as it
gets.”
As a young priest, anxiety
was about being threatened by the Klan, being scorned in public by some
Protestant ministers for being a Catholic and for being a liberal Catholic by
fundamentalist Catholics, being stalked by a knife wielding schizophrenic for
welcoming fallen-away marginal Catholics back to church, watching years of work
and dreams crack and almost fall to the ground in front of me, sleeping with
one eye open for years after having my home burglarized three times, being
ashamed of being a priest and of maybe being falsely accused during wave after
wave of bad news during the sexual abuse scandal and waiting for the results of
a biopsy that might have been cancer.
As an older priest, anxiety
had to do with three major disappointments when one great assignment ended and my
plans for what I expected to do next burned and crash on the launch pad. It was
only then that I found out that the Plan B that God had in store actually turned
out better than the Plan A that I wanted to happen. It was then that I realized
that all my anxiety had been one big waste of time.
"Have no anxiety at
all. The peace of God will guard your hearts and minds."
At 79, this may be the
most anxiety free time of my life. Today, I know “peace,” the opposite of
“anxiety.” I have a safe place to live. I have enough saved to live
comfortably and a little saved for the future. I have a few successes behind me
and I have a variety of wonderful small jobs to wake up to every day. I feel
accepted by myself and loved by most of those who know me.
Most of all, I discovered the cure for “anxiety.” I am more at peace now than I have ever been, because I have discovered the “good news” that Jesus came to bring. I have come to understand and know that I am loved by God, without condition, and in the end that everything is going to turn out OK, even if I may still have to face the challenges of old age, bad health and, God forbid, a painful death. Yes, I have to admit that heading into 80, I have that feeling I used to get when I was walking across thin ice wondering when it would crack and I would suddenly find myself in a real crisis. However, because of the peace that God gives those who believe in his “good news,” I am confident that he will help me handle the rest of the way whatever comes my way because his way has always been the best way!
"Have no anxiety at all. The peace of God will guard your hearts and minds."
These words of Jesus were
not only addressed to the terrified disciples, huddled together and cringing in
fear, in that upper room after his crucifixion, as well as Paul to the anxious Philippians, these words are addressed to
all of us today; whether you are a student worried about grades, finances or the
fall-out of a bad choice made in the heat of passion; whether you are living in
abusive relationship or an unsafe environment or with constant discrimination for being different; whether you are unemployed and in debt up to your ears or
barely handling a chronic health problem; whether you are a single parent
trying to make it on your own; whether you are religiously scrupulous and live
in constant fear of a punishing God and can’t let go of it, Jesus addresses his
words to you today. 'Peace be with you! Calm down! It’s going to be OK!
When all is said and done, things are going to turn out just fine. I am with
you! Trust me with a Plan B!'
Anxiety is worry about
what might happen. Peace is the awareness that
everything will be OK no matter what happens. Trust
in God is the only way to peace. Peace is God’s gift to us and it is based on
the “good news” that we are loved and that great things await us – because God
said so!
Let me end with one of my favorite prayers by Saint Francis de Sales.
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