“Remember this,” Pope Francis told 100 comedians in a special audience, “When you manage to bring intelligent smiles to the lips of even a single spectator, you also make God smile.”
June 14, 2024
The Pope Arrives in New York
Pope Francis arrives in New York and is picked up at the airport by a limousine. Being used to public transportation during his years in Buenos Aires, he looks at the limo and says to the driver, “You know, I hardly ever get to drive. Would you please allow me to?”
The driver hesitates and replies, “I’m really sorry, Your Holiness, but I really don’t think I’m supposed to let you do that.”
But Pope Francis won’t give up that easily, so he persists until the driver finally gives up. “All right, all right. I guess one can’t really say no to the pope.”
So the pope takes the wheel and hits the gas, making it around 80 mph in a 40-mph zone. It doesn’t take long until he gets pulled over on Interstate 278.
The young officer walks to the car and as the pope rolls down the window, he really doesn’t know what to do. Surprised, he asks the pope to wait for a bit as he goes back to his patrol car and radios the chief.
Cop: Chief … I think I have a problem.
Chief: What kind of a problem is that?
Cop: Well … I pulled over this guy for driving over the speed limit but … I mean, he’s like really important.
Chief: Whaddaya mean important? Important like … the mayor?
Cop: Oh, no … way more important than the mayor.
Chief: Wha … the governor?
Cop: Wayyyyyy more.
Chief: The president?
Cop: No. I’m talking way more than that.
Chief: Who could be any more important than the president?
Cop: I mean, I really don’t know, Chief, but he’s got the pope driving for him!
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The Queen Takes the Pope on a Carriage Ride Around London
Suddenly one of the horses farts very loudly.
“Oh my goodness, I am so terribly sorry!” apologizes the embarrassed Queen.
“Oh don't worry about it" the Pope replied "If you hadn't said anything, I would have just thought it was one of the horses!"
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President Biden invites the Pope to lunch on a boat.
The Pope accepted and during lunch, a puff of wind blew the pontiff's hat off, right into the water. It floated off about 50 feet, then the wind died down and it just floated in place.
The crew and the Secret Service were scrambling to launch a boat to go get it, when Biden waved them off, saying, "Never mind boys, I'll get it."
Then Biden climbed over the side of the yacht, walked on the water to the hat and picked it up, walked back on the water, climbed into the yacht, and handed the Pope his hat.
The crew was speechless. The security team and the Pope's entourage were speechless. No one knew what to say, not even the Pope.
But that afternoon, FOX, ABC, CBS, NBC, CNN reported:
"BIDEN CAN'T SWIM"
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So the Pope goes down into a deep vault below the Vatican, where they keep the most ancient sacred texts.
Scholarly priests spend decades examining these handwritten scrolls for translation errors. The Pope finds one of them hard at work and asks if he has found anything.
"Why yes, your Excellency. Look here, where we have always thought it said 'smite', but there's an 'R' there, it clearly says 'smart'". "Fantastic! How long did it take you to find that?" asks the Pope.
"Ten years."
The Pontiff finds another scholar at work, and asks how it is going.
"Here, Excellency, you see we always thought it said 'bead', but there's an 'R', it clearly says 'bread."
"Wonderful! And how long did you take to find that?" "20 years." answered the Priest.
The Pope comes across another guy. The fellow is tearing out his hair, ripping up his robes, and beating himself over the head with one of the fragile tomes. "There's an 'R'! There's an 'R'!" he exclaims. "30 years, I've been down here, and there's an 'R'!" The Pope grabs the guy by the shoulders and tries to calm him down. "My son! I can see you are upset by what you've found but it can't be all that bad. What is it?"
"All this time we thought it said 'celibate'!"