A few weeks ago, I made a statement in my Sunday homily on the Feast of the Epiphany. I could hear the congregation suck in a little air when they heard it! I assumed they realized that it hit the nail on the head. They do that when they tell me I have hit the nail on the head! That made me go home and do some more thinking about what I had just said. Here are the very words. "If we do not like who we are today, it is probably the result of hundreds and hundreds of small lazy or cowardly choices made over many years."
What was on my mind was the belief that we live in a society made up of more and more so-called "victims." "Victims" are unhappy people who blame their unhappiness on others, be it their parents, the government, the church, the culture we live in, and especially anyone more successful than they are!
Why do people behave this way? There are some benefits to adapting to a victimhood mindset.
Being accountable for your life means you’re in the driver’s seat. You take responsibility. That can be scary to someone who has a victim mentality. You would have to admit life isn’t just the result of the actions of others. Taking responsibility bursts the protective bubble of victimhood.
Some people’s problems continue because of the secondary benefits. Sympathy, attention, and access to medication or funds are common examples of secondary gain. Someone with a victim mentality might not even realize they are getting these benefits, and often feel truly distressed.
People with a victim mentality, especially when it comes from past trauma, unconsciously seek validation and help from others. They play the “poor me” card consistently. This can generate sympathy and help from others.
Projecting blame on others is a key part of the victim mentality. It’s a way to avoid being truly vulnerable and taking risks.
In comparing the paranoid protector of his status and power, King Herod, to the Magi who risked everything in their spiritual quest, I referred to a book I wrote a few years ago entitled BETWEEN COURAGE AND COWARDICE: Choosing to Do Hard Things for Your Own Good. This book is a very personal, autobiographical book that traces decisions I have made since I was six years old that have led me to where I am today. The thread throughout the book goes something like this. When I gave into fear, I withered as a person. When I stepped out in courage, I grew as a person. Many of the decisions I wrote about revolve around the decisions I made that led to the new places I have been, the decisions I made that propelled me forward and the decisions I have made one after another that have brought me to this day. I wrote it as a personal whole-life review, but I also wrote it as a way to teach others about the benefits of facing down fear and embracing opportunities for personal growth and change. I wanted to teach what I had learned - God gives us some amazing ingredients, but we must make our own cake! We have to create the life we want and give up whining and blaming. It's a truth I believe in and it's a truth I try to teach! How else can we explain the fact that some great people have overcome some enormous obstacles on reach an unbelievable level of success, while some of the most talented and materially blessed people have ended up sad failures in life. Victimhood, I believe, is ultimately the result of laziness and cowardice in most cases. The life we want is not a matter of luck, it's about the effort we put into building it!
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