WHILE LOOKING FOR A NEW NORMAL - PART EIGHT

Random Post-Panic Pandemic Reflections

#8 

AT LAST, A FOURTH LENTEN DISCIPLINE

"Father Ron's Periodic Suspicious Spiritual Advice" 

I have enough trouble with useful information, never

mind being burdened with what is useless. 

Erlend Loe

We all know about the traditional Lenten disciplines of prayer, fasting and almsgiving. Booorrrring! I have discovered something much harder - much more pain inflicting - the dreaded treadmill! It is worse than all the disciplines of long, long ago. It is worse than being stretched on the awful "rack!" It is worse than wearing one of those terrible "hair shirts!" It is worse than the hated whips of "self-flagellation." 

If you think "meatless Fridays" are such a burden, then you need to read some history about the other Lenten practices of times past. In the 13th century, a group of Roman Catholics, known as the Flagellants, took self-mortification to extremes. These people would travel to towns and publicly beat and whip each other while preaching repentance. The nature of these demonstrations being quite morbid and disorderly, were over periods of time suppressed by the authorities.

Even the Protestants got into it! Martin Luther regularly practiced self-flagellation as a means of mortification of the flesh. Likewise, the Congregationalist writer Sarah Osborn, also practiced self-flagellation in order "to remind her of her continued sin, depravity, and vileness in the eyes of God." It became "quite common" for members of the Tractarian movement within the Anglican Church to practice self-flagellation as a spiritual discipline.

St. Therese of Lisieux, a late 19th-century French Discalced Carmelite nun, showed some good sense. She questioned prevailing attitudes toward physical penance. Her view was that loving acceptance of the many sufferings of daily life was pleasing to God, and fostered loving relationships with other people, more than taking upon oneself extraneous sufferings through instruments of penance.

I'm with St. Therese of Lisieux! Who needs all that "useless pain" when the "useful pain" of the dreaded treadmill is so "Lenten friendly?" With its "good pain," the dreaded treadmill was just "made for" for the Lenten season! On the dreaded treadmill, you can whip your sins and your stomach fat into shape at the same time - all while watching TV! Don't fret about giving up candy bars and ice cream, just hop on that dreaded and under-used treadmill! (Don't forget to turn it on!) Your sins and fat will "melt away" while you are watching an hour of the "Jerry Springer Show." An hour of the "Jerry Springer Show" alone will help you feel better about yourself! Since it is pretty hard to eat while you are running that fast, you will be burning calories, not just exchanging them! Eating and running at the same time equals zero when it comes to the effectiveness of the dreaded treadmill! However, if you follow this regime faithfully during Lent, your priest and your doctor will both be impressed - and you might also look pretty good on the beach during "spring break!"  The dreaded treadmill: it's a Lenten-friendly win/win/win discipline! 

Since Ash Wednesday, I have been on the dreaded treadmill for an hour and a half every day. Just this far into Lent, I have already lost four ounces and I haven't felt this sinless for a long time! Try it! You'll be glad you did!