VALID, BUT IRREGULAR AND A LITTLE STRANGE
There are seven Sacraments in the Catholic Church: Baptism, Confirmation, Holy Eucharist, Reconciliation, Anointing of the Sick, Holy Orders and Marriage. I have received five of the seven, with the exception of Anointing of the Sick and Marriage. The fact that I haven't personally received two of the seven, doesn't not preclude that I have not been involved in some strange happenings connected the them. I have also had some interesting issues with the five I have received.
First of all, I was baptized by my grandmother, not a priest or deacon. I was born April 28, 1944, at home, and delivered by my grandmother who was a country midwife. In danger of death, she knew what to do. She baptized me right there in the bed I was born in. I am told, they took me to church, after I stabilized, not to be re-baptized, but to receive the other ceremonies of the church.
The noisiest baptism I have ever done was the one I did for one of my wonderful nieces. I remember her screaming at the top of her lungs from beginning to end! Thank God it wasn't done during Mass! I remember cutting things out, reading the prayers as fast as I could and trying to stay focused throughout her screaming tantrum. At one point, I actually thought that an exorcism might have been more appropriate!
My first experience of the Sacrament of Reconciliation (called Confession at that time) also had its weirdness. For some reason, I missed "the practice" that Sister Mary Ancilla had for those of us who would be going into the confessional for the first time. When my turn came to "go in," I went in, but I could not see anything in front of me but a wall. I was so little that I could not see over the shelf where adults leaned their elbows to whisper their confession through a grill when the priest open the little door. I could hear the priest say, "OK," but I could not see any "little door" so I remained silent. The priest turned to the other side and came back in a few minutes. I could hear him say "OK," but I could still not see any "little " so I remained silent again. The next time he came back and said, "OK," I knew I had to do something - anything! I looked down and say a radiator pipe along the floor with the faint glimmer of light around where it was coming so I got down on my hands and knees and whispered my confession through the hole where the light was coming from! I thought it was odd, but I did not realize my mistake until I came out and the other kids told me about the "little door" above my head!
I remember my First Communion vividly, from what I wore, exactly where I knelt to receive it and what I worried about getting ready. At age 7 exactly, we rehearsed and practiced for weeks. First Communion was a "big deal." I wore a white suit, starched stiff as cardboard, that had been passed from family to family for years. You only wore it once. Where else would a seven year old wear a white suit in those days? Even today, with the communion rail gone, I can point to the very spot where I received my First Communion. It was right in front of today's pulpit, which I now believe was a "sign" of what I would be the rest of my life - a preacher! In those days, fasting from food and drink, even water, was required before goin to communion. If a drop of water or a crumb of food touched my mouth, even accidently, I would have been disqualified from the First Communion group, until the next Sunday when I would have to receive it all alone - and tragically maybe without my white suit and all the fanfare!
Confirmation was received when I was in the seventh grade. I was "confirmed" by Auxiliary Bishop Charles G. Maloney. I have very few memories about this Sacrament, except the Bishop sitting in a chair on the top steps in front of the tabernacle. Confirmation involved an anointing on the forehead, but what we were all concerned about was the ceremonial tap on the check, that was inflated in our minds as a "slap" on the cheek! We were worried that the Bishop would "slap the____out of us!" We were used to being slapped, but not from a Bishop! The reality did not meet our expectations.
The next Sacrament I would receive would be Holy Orders. I spent 12 years in the seminary, but the preparation for receiving that Sacrament didn't start getting serious until four years out! Back then, there were several "steps" or "minor orders" on the way to priesthood: Tonsure, Porter, Lector, Exorcist, Acolyte, Subdeacon, Deacon and finally Priest. All of these steps involved a Bishop to perform them!
TONSURE was a ceremonial haircut of sorts. The Benedictine monks had a complete haircut, leaving only a small band of hair around the head like a crown of thorns. Those of us studying to be "diocesan priests" only got snippets cut out of our hair that could easily be repaired at our next haircut. However, in my day, the day when long hair was gaining popularity in the 1960s, the Archbishop of Indianapolis (who hated long hair) would take deep cuts out of long hair, forcing the recipient to get a "good haircut" almost immediately.
PORTER. A "Porter" was not much more than becoming a glorified church "gate keeper" and "bell ringer." One by one, we lined up as part of that ceremony to turn a key in a door and pull the rope to ring the monastery bell once.
LECTOR. A "Lector" was not as important as it is today. Back then, a Lector could not read at Mass, but only one of the "lessons" of seven "hours" of the Divine Office (the priest's prayer book).
EXORCIST. Becoming an "Exorcist" was required of all of us studying to be priests, but we were warned not to try to use it! These days, very few priests are deputed by their bishop to perform an outright bona fide exorcism. Yes, I am still an ordained Exorcist, but I hope never to be called on to perform that rite!
ACOLYTE. Technically, an "Acolyte" was and is anyone who helped the priest, subdeacon or deacon at mass.
SUBDEACON. The "Subdeacon's" main liturgical charge was to chant the Epistle at Solemn High Masses. This was the first time we were required to wear a fancy vestment, usually matching the deacon and the priest, but in a different shape.
DEACON. With this ordination, the seminarian entered major orders (deacons, priests and bishops). After Vatican Council II, the role of the Deacon was restored to its original fullness. Today Deacons can preach, baptize and witness marriages, as well as be involved in many management functions of the church.
As a priest, I have baptized many children and adults, been delegated by the Bishop to perform Confirmations, celebrated thousands of "confessions" and Masses, anointed hundreds of sick and dying people and witnessed untold numbers of wedding. I will now admit to a few of my 'blunders" during those sacred moment.
BAPTISM I once baptized a man in a hot tub who desperately wanted to be baptized, but did not want to become a Catholic. He was like an "adopted parent" when I was in major seminary and I lived with him and his wife during summers and holidays.
MARRIAGE The biggest mistake I ever made in a wedding was the time I called the bride by the groom's old girl-friend's name! I had known his old girl friend for years and had gotten used to calling their names together! The congregation laughed out loud because they knew exactly why I had slipped and used the old girl friend's name.
ANOINTING OF THE SICK My first anointing took place at the old Somerset City
Hospital in Somerset, Kentucky. I had only been ordained for a few weeks when I
was called to anoint a dying woman. I grabbed the oil container from the parish
office. When I arrived at the hospital, I was taken to an emergency room where
she was in an oxygen tent. The nurses raised the plastic for me and I unscrewed
the cap on the oil stock. All of a sudden, there was a blast of black smoke,
like a miniature explosion. I stood there in shock as I put the parts together.
Someone had filled the oil stock with ashes for an Ash Wednesday service at one
of the parish’s mission churches in a Lent past. The pump on the oxygen tent
pulled the ashes out of my little brass oil container and blew them all over
her face and the pillow. All the wonderful Baptists standing around did not bat
an eye. They all, no doubt, thought that that was what we Catholics did as a
time like that. Not to disappoint them, and to cover my mistake, I ended with a
prayer that contained these words, “Remember, man, you are dust and into dust
you shall return.” I left there and told no one, especially the pastor who have
ordered me to go do the anointing in the first place!
EUCHARIST I have had to handle many "situations" during Masses in Somerset. Monticello, Whitley City, Calvary and here in Louisville, especially at the Cathedral, too many to repeat here. For a longer list, I refer you to one of my more recent books, I JUST HAD TO LAUGH: Amusing Anecdotes, Humorous Stories and Outrageous Episodes from 50 Years of Priestly Ministry,, published in 2018 and available at Amazon Books.com
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