I am about to get to the end of yet another one of my "projects" - this time a church in Kenya. At this point, for the umpteenth time, I always tell myself that I will never get involved with another project ever again! My "projects" include remodeling old buildings for new purposes, building a teaching kitchen and coffee shop, writing yet another book, building a new church, starting a new program or even revitalizing a parish. I have made that promise and broken it so many times before that I decided to stop for a minute and really assess what makes me promise that and then proceed endlessly to break my own promise and take on yet other new project. It's either I am hopelessly addicted and can't help myself or else I am lying to myself for some hidden reason - hidden from even myself!
With the help of many friends, I don't think I have ever taken on a major project that has ended in utter failure so I have a proven record of successes, so what is the cause of my promise-breaking? Maybe that is the very reason I fear taking on another project, I subconsciously believe that I should quit while I am ahead because, down deep, I must believe that people are only entitled to a limited number of successes?
I don't really believe that, so maybe the real reason is that I am tired - tired of all the work - and I want to avoid the protracted periods of uncertainty and stress, to escape the crushing fear of embarrassment that might come with failure and to be relieved of the unrelenting amount of focus and faith that it takes over long periods of time to arrive at completion.
On the other hand, maybe I want to escape the responsibility that goes with "to whom much is given, much is expected?" I feel blessed in so many ways which drives me to try to share what I know and what I have with those who do without even the simple things in life that I take for granted. I really do not crave "more." I feel I have "enough" and then some! Yes, maybe I really want to escape the responsibility that goes with "enough" when so many have never had such an experience.
The more I think about it, the more I really think my wanting to give up being involved in "projects" may be related to my fear of "giving up" on life, "giving in" to laziness and even "getting old." I think my being "preoccupied" with my projects actually distracts me from focusing on aging and "the end" that is coming! If that's the case, maybe my constant string of "projects" is not so bad after all?
Without my projects, I would be slapped with that truth every day that the "end" is coming and then fail to enjoy what can still be done in the time that I have left! After some time to reflect, and a reasonable wait-time for clues on how to proceed, that should offer me enough reasons to be open to yet another of my "projects" - but next time maybe on a less grand scale. Maybe the best way forward is to tell myself, "Slow down a little, but don't ever stop!"
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