IT'S TOO DANGEROUS TO HOLD GRUDGES

At the beginning of Lent, I offered a blog post entitled The Best Lenten Resolution Ever built around the quote below from Pope Leo the Great (440 AD - 461 AD). 

“Now let godly minds boldly accustom themselves to forgive faults, to pass over insults, and to forget wrongs. Let all discords and enmities be laid aside, and let no one think to have a share in the Paschal feast that has neglected to restore brotherly peace.”

When pre-Easter Sacrament of Reconciliation Services are being offered in many parishes, I would like to expand on the idea and necessity of reconciliations as we are about to celebrate Easter by offering my readers a recent homily for their consideration.  

“Forgive and you will be forgiven. The measure you measure with, will be measured back to you.”

Luke 6:36-38 

One of the most dangerous prayers we can ever say is the Lord’s Prayer, especially the part where we pray: “Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us.”

When it comes to forgiveness, I always remember that scene where Saint Peter asked Jesus how many times he ought to forgive.  Like Charlie Brown himself, good old Saint Peter craved affirmation. Like a needy little puppy looking for a pat on the head, Saint Peter was always on the lookout for ways to impress Jesus. No matter how hard he tried, he seemed to keep missing the mark over and over again. You have to love this big lug with a soft heart!

The stories of Saint Peter embarrassing himself are numerous, but that one is typical.  Jesus had just told his disciples that they must forgive one another.  When Jesus finishes speaking, imagining that another chance to impress Jesus has presented itself, good old Saint Peter springs into action. Peter knows well that the rabbis had always taught that people needed to forgive three times. Peter gets out his little adding machine and multiplies three by two and adds one for good measure. Then he asks his question and answers himself at the same time. “How many times must we forgive? Seven times?” He obviously expected Jesus to say, “Wow, Peter, how generous you are! You are better than the best! Seven times is beyond the call of duty!” You can almost see his big eager grin melt when Jesus told him to forgive, not seven times, but seventy times seven times - that is, in the common parlance of those days, forgiving without counting the times.

The biggest mistake people make when it comes to forgiveness is thinking forgiveness is for the benefit of the offending party. Forgiveness of others is actually a gift we give ourselves. Grudges consume vast amounts of time and energy: the incessant mental energy of rehearsing it over and over in our minds, the constant retelling of it to anyone who will listen, the regular bad feelings it keeps generating. While we are doing all this to ourselves, the offending person is probably unaware of the punishment we are inflicting on ourselves. As the comedian Buddy Hackett put it, “Don’t carry a grudge. While you are carrying the grudge, the other guy’s out dancing.”

“In the long run, it’s not a question of whether they deserve to be forgiven. You’re not forgiving them for their sake. You’re doing it for your sake. For your own health and well-being, forgiveness is simply the most energy-efficient option. You can muster that heart power to forgive them as a way of looking out for yourself. Forgiveness releases you from the punishment of a self-made prison where you are both the inmate and the jailer. Forgiveness releases you from the incredibly toxic, debilitating drain of holding a grudge. “Don’t let these people live rent free in your head. If they hurt you before, why let them keep doing it year after year in your mind.” (Doc Childre and Howard Martin) Forgiving, even seventy times seven times, is a favor you do for yourself. Forgiveness is one way to keep rotting garbage from piling up in your mind and heart.

The second reason to forgive is also selfish – so that God will forgive you! The Book of Sirach lays it out quite clearly. “Forgive your neighbor’s injustice; then when you pray, your own sins will be forgiven. Could anyone nourish anger against another and expect healing from the Lord?” Jesus put it this way today: “Forgive and you will be forgiven. The measure you measure with, will be measured back to you.” Holding a grudge is a dangerous, as well as a self-defeating, thing to do! 

Grudges are like cancers. They need to be stopped, cut out and removed before they kill us, emotionally and spiritually. As the Book of Sirach says, “wrath and anger are abominations yet a sinner holds them tight” in an insane need to be right. The need to be right is very expensive. You can be right and still let go. Life feeds back truth to people in its own way and time. What goes around, comes around. 

How many grudges are you carrying around in your mind and heart? Who do you refuse to forgive? Isn’t today a good time to cut yourself free, emotionally and spiritually? It may be the biggest step toward self-care you’ll ever take!