THE FOUR PILLARS OF A GOOD LIFE

 

“The scribes and the Pharisees

have taken their seat on the chair of Moses.

Therefore, do and observe all things whatsoever they tell you, 

but do not follow their example. For they preach

 but they do not practice.

Matthew 23:1-12

 

The gospel today talks about the failures of leadership from the Scribes and the Pharisees. This is a perfect reading for the feast of St. Bernard of Clairvaux, a true spiritual leader, an effective religious teacher, a Doctor of the Church.

Most of you are familiar with the monk, Thomas Merton. We have his library here at Bellarmine University. People come from far and wide to use it and absorb his wisdom. Some of you may not be as familiar with the founder of his religious community, the Cistercians, a man named Bernard of Clairvaux. St. Bernard was a great reformer in the Church of the 12th century. He might have died 870 years ago, but his wisdom lives on and it is valuable even today. He offers us four foundation pillars on which to build a good life. He says you must (a) consider yourself (b) consider those below you (c) consider those around you and (d) consider Him who is above you.

1. In considering yourself, St Bernard said, “Behold what you are! It is a monstrous thing to see such dignity trivialized and squandered!” The first foundation stone on which to build a successful life is a passionate commitment to personal excellence – becoming the best version of yourself that you can create with God’s help. I learned a little maxim in Latin many years ago which I have found to be so true. “Nemo dat quad non habet” “One cannot give what one does not have.” Jesus said, “A bad tree cannot bear good fruit.” St. Francis de Sales said, “Be who you are be that well!” In practical terms, if you are going to marry, be good at it, be a fabulous partner or don’t get married! If you are going to have kids, be good at it, be a tremendous parent or don’t have them! If you are going to go into public service, be good at it, be transparent, honest and self-giving or don’t get into it at all! If you are going to a priest, get serious about it or don’t get ordained! Be who you say you are! Be a person of integrity. Do the right thing even when no one is looking!

2. In considering those below you, you must never forget that the gifts you have been given have been given to you, not just for your own good and personal benefit, but for the good of those you are called to serve! The second foundation stone on which to build a successful life is a passionate commitment to vocational excellence, to be the very best you can be at what you do! This means a lifelong commitment to honing your skills, to deepening your respect and reverence for those under your charge and to always trying to lift the vision of others to higher sights, their performance to a higher standard and their personalities beyond their normal limitations.

3. In considering those around you, take stock of those with whom you surround yourself! The third foundation stone on which to build a successful life is to choose your friends and associates wisely. Many people do not realize the impact the type of people they surround themselves with has on their well-being. The people you surround yourself with will either lift you up or bring you down, support you or criticize you, motivate you or drain you. By developing relationships with those committed to constant improvement and the pursuit of the best that life has to offer, you will have plenty of company on your path to the top of whatever mountain you seek to climb. Surround yourself with people of integrity and quality.

4. Last of all, in considering Him who is above you, never forget where you came from and where you are going. You have not always been here and you will not always be here! In the whole scheme of things, your lifespan is relatively short. The fourth and final foundation stone on which to build a successful life, therefore, is to develop an interior spiritual life to match your external material life, so that you can walk on two legs, not one!

Dear friends! These four foundation stones, if built upon with care, focus and determination, make up the cornerstones of a good life, in whatever direction you go! Heed the words of Saint Paul, “Each one of you must be careful how he builds!” Remember the words of George Bernard Shaw, “Life is about creating yourself!” We all have the freedom and tools to make something of ourselves even in our old age!

Given at the Little Sisters of the Poor St. Joseph Home for the Elderly

August 20, 2022

COUNTING THE COST - PAYING THE PRICE

 

GIVEN AT ST. FRANCES OF ROME CHUCH

Which of you wishing to construct a tower does not

sit down and calculate the cost. Otherwise, after

the foundation, one may find himself unable to finish the work.

Luke 14

Over the last twenty years, I have led well over 150 priest conventions in 10 countries. Of the 150 priest conventions, I have done 1 each in England, Ireland and Wales, 13 in Canada, 4 in the Caribbean and 120 across the United States. In those twenty years, I have looked out at and lectured  thousands of priests, hundreds of bishops and a dozen or so Cardinals - something I never ever imagined, in my wildest imagination, that I would do when I was a young priest.  

One of those priest assemblies took place a few years back in the Archdiocese of Tuam in Ireland. On my way from the Shannon Airport to the Shrine at Knock where our meeting was held, the road was littered with hundreds of half-finished houses that had been abandoned during the burst of the housing bubble. So many people thought they could make a fortune borrowing money to build new houses on their farmland. It looked like a war zone. People simply misjudged whether the money would be there to complete their projects! It was sad on many fronts. 

In my last semester of seminary, one of our professors asked us to write a paper about what we expected in our priesthood. To the person, my classmates wrote idealistic papers as if we were all about to enter the “promised land.” I wrote that I expected to be a priest in one of the most tumultuous times in recent church history. My paper was ridiculed as being “too negative.” My classmates were a bit like Peter when he told Jesus “God forbid” when Jesus insisted on talking about the suffering to come. Disappointed with the complexities of priesthood and shocked by the reality of it, over half of my ordination class has left and are no longer serving as priests. Instead of being “too negative,” I may have simply been “too prophetic.”  They are gone. I am still here. Of course, I am certainly not better than them, many are probably better than me, but I believe I have survived and thrived these last fifty-two years as a priest because I expected to have problems and I took that into consideration from the beginning and made plans on how I would handle them.

When I worked over at Saint Meinrad Seminary and would tell too much truth about priesthood to the seminarians, Father Jonathan used to tease me by saying “Not in front of the kids!” Father Patrick, quoting Canon Law on the other hand, would tell me that “Seminarians are to be told the truth about the priesthood while they are in the seminary.” In any regard, to anyone making the transition from seminary, I would simply say this! Getting to ordination is easy compared to staying in and staying healthy and effective as a priest. If anyone promises you a rose garden, do not listen to them. Like marriage, priesthood can be difficult. The sooner you embrace that fact, the sooner you can call up the personal, emotional and spiritual resources you will need to deal with the difficulties of ministry as a priest in today’s church. As scripture puts it, “My son, when you come to serve the Lord, prepare yourself for a battle.” (Sirach 2:1) As I say on the first page of the little book I wrote for seminarians,  From Seminarian to Diocesan Priest: Managing a Successful Transition, “It’s one thing to pledge oneself to a high purpose, but it’s another to carry through.”

My commitment to priesthood was tested a mere two weeks after ordination. I had a very short “honeymoon” indeed!  I had my heart set on being an associate pastor in a nice large suburban parish. When the call came telling me that I was being sent to the “home missions” of our diocese, in the foothills of the Appalachian Mountains, every bone in my body wanted to quit. After several futile attempts to change the minds of the powers-to-be, I angrily loaded my car, bought a map and headed to my new parish in the most remote corner of our diocese. Halfway there, I had a conversion experience, one that would serve me well in the years to come. I changed my mind. I decided to embrace what was ahead of me and to open my mind and heart to the experience at hand. Since I didn’t get what I wanted, I decided to want what I got. What I got was a time of unprecedented personal and spiritual growth, more than I could have ever dreamed of for myself.

On my twenty-fifth anniversary, when I was still pastor of our Cathedral, I chose the reading about Peter’s walk on water. I, like Peter, have managed to keep going by “keeping my eyes fixed on Jesus,” rather than on how deep the water was or how high the winds were!

In the end, priesthood is not for cowards nor the faint of heart. To be effective, one needs the heart of a missionary, the courage of a martyr, the patience of Job and the concentration of a tight-rope walker. The commitment to be ordained is not necessarily the same as a commitment to priesthood. Like marriage, true commitment begins when the honeymoon is over. Like the would-be follower of Jesus, who naively bragged about his willingness to “follow him wherever he went,” one needs to know that there are crosses to be carried. That is to be expected, but that itself need not be a source of discouragement. In the words of Dietrich Bonhoeffer, “Faint not nor fear, but go out to the storm and the action, trusting in God whose commandments you faithfully follow; freedom, exultant, will welcome your spirit with joy.”

Anyone who thinks about priesthood, marriage or religious life, should be good at calculating the cost beforehand and be willing to pay the price afterwards. As for me, after fifty-two years of walking on water, I couldn’t be happier - and I have people like you to thank! 

I guess the bottom line is this. Whether you are building a house, starting a business, getting married or being ordained, the start is easy. Having what it takes to finish is the hard part!  

BEWARE OF WOLVES IN SHEEP'S CLOTHING - MATTHEW 7:15

IS CARING WEARING YOU OUT?

COMPASSION FATIGUE

As much as I have worked to eliminate it, as much as I have been able to accomplish with the help of others, I still suffer sometimes from bouts of self-doubt and exhaustion. I guess you might say that I sometimes find myself worn out with caring. 

The biggest question I wrestle with is, "Why do I even care about other people's needs and problems?" The biggest temptation I keep coming back to is this one. "Promise yourself that this will be your very last helping project!" Unlike so many other people, especially people raising children who can't quit, I know down-deep that my problem with all this is self-inflicted. I could just walk away and quit caring, but I can't. I know that if I were to quit caring, I would just be trading my over-caring for guilt about not caring. Besides, I realize that I seem to be able to handle stress a bit more than I can handle guilt. 

I do understand that most of my issues are mere aggravations, while other people are dealing with serious problems, so I try not to complain. I realize that not caring would actually ruin my life so I have concluded that all I really need to do is to take a healthy break from caring every once in a while. Rested, I might actually be more effective in my caring about the needs of others. I read somewhere that Mother Teresa instructed her nuns to take an entire year off from their duties every 4-5 years to allow themselves to heal from the effects of their care-giving work. Reading that, I realized that I really have nothing to complain about! 

SOME PROFESSIONAL INSIGHTS

Compassion Fatigue

People whose professions lead to prolonged exposure to other people's trauma can be vulnerable to compassion fatigue, also known as secondary or vicarious trauma; they can experience acute symptoms that put their physical and mental health at risk, making them wary of giving and caring.

Feeling Another’s Pain

Empathy is a valuable trait for the military, first responders, ministers, humanitarian aid workers, health care professionals, therapists, advocates for victims of domestic abuse, moderators of offensive online content, and journalists on the front lines of war and disaster. But the more such individuals open themselves up to others' pain, the more likely they will come to share those victims' feelings of heartbreak and devastation. This sapped ability to cope with secondary trauma can lead to total exhaustion of one’s mental and physical state.

What are the symptoms?

Those who regularly experience vicarious trauma often neglect their own self-care and inner life as they struggle with images and stories that can’t be forgotten. Symptoms of compassion fatigue can include exhaustion, disrupted sleep, anxiety, headaches, stomach upset, irritability, numbness, a decreased sense of purpose, emotional disconnection, self-contempt, and difficulties with personal relationships.

What causes compassion fatigue?

Compassion fatigue can affect the most dedicated workers—people who continue to help by working extra shifts or foregoing days off, neglecting their own self-care. This can result from exposure to a single case of trauma, or from years of accumulated “emotional residue."

Is compassion fatigue the same as burnout?

Burnout is not the same as compassion fatigue. Feeling drained from everyday stressors like work and childrearing results in burnout. Compassion fatigue is the strain of feeling for another’s pain. However, the symptoms are often similar for burnout.

"I GET BY WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM MY FRIENDS"

WHY CAN'T PEOPLE BE THIS KIND AND HELPFUL TO OTHER PEOPLE?

We live in a world where meanness, nastiness and hate are on the rise. When I saw this video, I was reminded that many people still do have a compassionate heart - even toward animals in crisis! Just think how much more sane and peaceful this world would be if more people reached out and responded with compassion when they see people in crisis, rather than respond to them with hate, fear and mistrust?  

LETTING YOURSELF BE TREATED LIKE DIRT IS NOT HUMILITY

GIVEN AT ST. LEONARD CHURCH

Conduct your affairs with humility,

 and you will be loved more than a giver of gifts.

 Humble yourself the more, the greater you are,

 and you will find favor with God.

Sirach 3:17-18

 

For everyone who exalts himself will be humbled,

but the one who humbles himself will be exalted." 

Luke 14

As we said in the Confiteor today, we can sin in two ways – by what we do and what we fail to do. We can sin by excessively over-inflating our worth and thinking too highly of ourselves, but we can also sin by devaluating ourselves and thinking too little of ourselves.  

 

When we think too highly of ourselves and too little of others, we are guilty of narcissism. Narcissism is the term used to describe excessive vanity and self-centeredness. The condition was named after a mythological Greek youth named Narcissus who became infatuated with his own reflection in a lake. He did not realize at first that it was his own reflection, but when he did, he died out of grief for having fallen in love with someone who did not exist outside himself.  

 

Narcissistic personalities are characterized by unwarranted feelings of self-importance. They expect to be recognized as superior and special, without necessarily demonstrating superior accomplishments. They exhibit a sense of entitlement, demonstrate grandiosity in their beliefs and behaviors and display a strong need for admiration. 

 

When narcissistic people talk about church attendance, they usually say things like “I don’t go because I don’t get anything out of it!” “I, I, I, I, I!” When they say things like that, they inflate their importance by putting themselves in the center of the picture. The purpose of church attendance is not about the attendee "getting" something. It's about the attendee "giving" something! We come to Church to give God worship and praise! We come here, not to get, but to give and to learn. We come here to give God thanks and to learn how to serve others! 

 

When narcissistic people talk about marriage, they talk about what it will do for them. People who marry successfully get married to be love-givers, not love-getters! As Jesus said, “It is in giving that one receives!” Receiving is not a goal, but a by-product, of both marriage and ordination.  

 

When narcissistic young people talk about what to do with their lives, they ask themselves “what do I want to do or what do I want to be that will make me happy?" The real question is not what do I want to do, but what is God calling me to do that will lead me to happiness? Jesus was right, “Those who seek to save their lives will lose them, while those who seek to give their lives away, will save them.” Albert Schweitzer was right when he said, and narcissistic people will never get it, “The only ones among you who will be really happy are those who have sought and found out how to serve.” Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. was right when he said, “Life’s most persistent and urgent question is, “What are you doing for others?”  

 

Pope Francis talks a lot about a “self-referential church,” in other words a narcissistic church. He says that when the Church does not look beyond itself, when it is always focused on itself, it gets sick. He keeps reminding us that the Church is the moon and Christ the sun. The Church exists to reflect the light of Christ to the world, not to live within herself, of herself and for herself.  

 

The other extreme to narcissism is self-deprecation or the minimization and devaluation of oneself. Both narcissism and the devaluation of one's self are sins. The first and last reading today are about humility, but what many of us were taught about humility needs to be reevaluated! Humility is about accepting the truth about who we are, without exaggerating it or minimizing it. “Humility” comes from the Latin “humus,” meaning “earth.” “Humility” means “grounded.” A truly “humble” person, truly in touch with his strengths and weaknesses, neither inflates his worth nor devalues it. 

 

It is this truth that Jesus spent his ministry trying to teach. He taught it to the religious leaders of his day who were so arrogant and self-inflated that they started out talking about God and ended up thinking they were gods. He taught it to the marginalized of his day who were so beaten down that they did not recognize their own goodness and the image of God within themselves. As Mary said, "He pulls the mighty from their thrones and lifts up the lowly from their dung heaps."  

 

Brothers and sisters! God has entrusted gifts to us to be used! When we do not use our gifts, even deny we have them, we neither serve God nor the people we are called to serve. There is great responsibility that goes with being the light of the world and having talents! It scares us. We tend to shy away from that responsibility.  

 

In that arena, the prophet Jonah is a patron saint. Jonah was called to preach to the people of Nineveh. He considered himself a poor preacher on one hand and the Ninevites not worth saving on the other. To get away from his unwelcomed call and the responsibility that went with it, he went down to the docks and bought a ticket on the next ship sailing in the opposite direction from Nineveh. He thought he could outrun God's call!  

 

In his version of a get-away-car, Jonah is pictured going to sleep in the bottom of his boat while a storm raged, a symbol today of “denial.” The psychologist Abraham Maslow calls such spiritual and emotional truancy the Jonah Complex: “The evasion of one’s own growth, the setting of low levels of aspiration, the fear of doing what one is capable of doing, voluntary self-crippling, pseudo-stupidity, mock humility.”  

 

The fact is, most of us are afraid of both our failure and our success. A calling makes us wonder if we are good enough, smart enough, disciplined enough, educated enough, patient enough, and inspired enough. We manage our fear by “going to sleep,” “settling for too little” and “self-sabotage.” We both crave and fear becoming who we are called to be!  

 

Thomas Merton was right, “The biggest human temptation is to settle for too little.” Maybe our biggest sin is not what we do, but what we fail to do! Michelangelo put it this way. “The greater danger for most of us is not that our aim is too high and we miss it, but that it is too low and we reach it.”  

 

Magnanimity and humility are the virtues specific to a full life. Magnanimity is the habit of striving for great things in oneself, in reaching one’s full potential. Humility is the habit of serving others by bringing out their greatness, giving them the capacity to realize their human potential. Together they constitute the essence of leadership. In short, magnanimity and humility are about loving oneself and loving one's neighbor.  

 

Magnanimity affirms our own individual personal dignity and greatness. Magnanimity is the thirst to lead a full and intense life through passionate and enthusiastic action. The magnanimous person is one whose heart is set on achieving personal excellence because he considers himself worthy of doing great things. A self-doubting, insecure, self-hating, lazy and timid person will never be able to become a fully developed person in the world, in the church or in the family.  

 

The other virtue essential to becoming a fully developed person is humility. Humility affirms the dignity and greatness of others. Humility is the thirst to love and sacrifice for the good of others. Humility is not about displays of personal power, but the empowerment of others. Humility is about authentic love. Authentic love is not merely about having warm feelings toward another. It is about offering them practical helpfulness in their growth as human beings.